Friday, March 28, 2008
A New Journey
When I first started this post, I didn't know what it was going to be about. I was going to begin by saying this: "Life is good. God is good, but I'm feeling a bit like Maria and Mariah...dry."
Well, I feel warmed, and touched, and loved, by someone very special. His name is Jesus. I have been feeling dry lately. Very much like the pilgrim Maria wrote about. I felt very alone and very cold, and felt like when I read God's Word I wasn't getting anything out. When I prayed, I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. When I played my music, I enjoyed it, but I didn't feel the heavenward connection I love. I just felt a bit like the world. Hugging my simple dreams and desires here on earth. I was falling into little traps and not really bothering to try to get out. That's probably why you haven't been reading too many profound and uplifting posts here lately. In fact, earlier today, I sat down to write an inspirational, Christian post, simply because I hadn't done one in a while, and I came up with that first line. I didn't know what to write!
What happened? I don't know. Like I said, life is good, and I am really enjoying seeing the possibilities that God has placed before me in this life. I love watching things unfold, or imagining what I hope to see unfold in the future. I have enjoyed great happiness, discovering gifts that I didn't even know were there, it's like Christmas, but better! I had the chance to sit in the sunshine in nature, surrounded by silence coupled with the occasional bit of birdsong, to feel the wind rustle my hair, to feel warmth from people I admire greatly, and to open myself up to finding out who I really am. Discovering who I am is certainly an adventure--there are many things about me I didn't know! When you find that you don't mind doing things out of the ordinary, or dressing a bit out of the ordinary, or smiling when everyone else is frowning, you feel happy. Very happy. So I guess, I was happy, but I felt a bit empty.
Last night, I was thinking on some hard decisions I have to make, and I was thinking about life recently. I was thinking about the things I hope will happen, and I was thinking about my little empty spot. I knew what it was, and so, I, as I have been doing every night, in an effort to fill in the hole, I prayed. Almost every time I crawl into bed, I say "God, please, I really want to feel you. I know that my faith in you is not all about feelings, but I think right now I need to feel you. Please help me to connect with you and not lose faith." Then I listened for Him a bit, and last night I read James 1.
But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.
So that's what I did. I didn't know what would happen.
Today I woke up, and I still had no idea what would happen. So far did that fact go, that I entirely forgot, until about 45 minutes before we had to leave, that I had a French course this morning! When I got home, I got on the computer, and checked up on everyone's blogs, listened to a few flute videos, and got a phone call from Camille. We had a lovely chat, and as I hung up the phone and started serving my lunch, Nadine called. She told me about a great movie, called 'A Walk to Remember'. We had fun on the phone for over an hour, and then got off the phone and I instant messaged with Tiffany and Nadine, where they met. Then I got on a skype call with Lisa, and we had great fun trying to discern if there was a difference between a wheelie bin and a garbage can. Erica showed up, and we spent probably a whole hour laughing about silliness. It was a lovely last day of my spring week off. I still felt kind of empty though.
After Chinese food, we watched 'A Walk to Remember'. It starts out rough, but that movie really touched me by the end. I must have had little trenches dug into my cheeks, and I could have sobbed freely if I had been alone in the room. The example that girl set in being set-apart as a Christian, even if presented slightly unrealistically from a secular point of view, helped me realize that my set-apart-ness stems from my relationship with God. Through my tears, I got on the computer, and started reading random blog posts. I just felt like I needed encouragement. I popped over to Merrill's blog, and read this post and this post. You are a very clever girl, Merrill. Somehow those two trains of thought really hit me hard. I really need to trust in God, I really need to reflect Christ, and I really need to do hard things for Him.
This new me, that God has helped me discover is going to do her best to follow Jesus just a little more closely. I am not taking Him for granted anymore. He's going to come with me everywhere I go, I think I've been leaving Him home a bit too much.
You know, I have a very special teddy bear, and I've had him since I was little. When I was about 7, I remember my Mom saying she took her teddy everywhere. What she meant is that when she moved out etc., teddy came with her. I took it to mean that every time I went out, my teddy bear, Habakkuk, should come with me. He did. I took him right to the edge of the Grand Canyon and everything, as you can see! Over the years, I gave up on that, but I still took him with me every time I went on a big trip, even if he did stay in bed while I went out. Of course, I'm almost 16, and he doesn't always fit in my bags anymore, sometimes he stays home. I have to say though, it sometimes is a bit painful. I love that bear! But you see, that's what I did to God a bit these past few weeks. My sinful nature said "Hey, you can just leave Him at home while you go out." I did, and contrary to how it is with a teddy bear, with God, that's terribly wrong. I see that now, and I am very excited about bringing Him with me everywhere again.
I'm going...no we--God and me--are going on a journey, and it's called LIFE! Eternal life.
Hugs to all my huggable friends and a hearty handshake to the rest of you,