Saturday, November 15, 2008
Do you ever have those moments where you just don't understand? Days when you feel so loved, and yet you have no friends? Times when you can make a list as long as your arm of people you long to be with and who want to be with you, and you yet you have no one to be with? When it seems like there is no sense in having friends when you have none?
I feel like that right now. I have so many friends. I make them so easily. I love them so much. I can spend a day talking about people I know, near and far, and yet come home and cry because I...have no friends. I don't know how to describe this irony of relations. Today was a good day. I felt loved. I have an amazing family. I just talked. My Mum and I shared camp experiences. Yet right now, I am left feeling empty. Not spiritually, not at all, but people-wise.
Where are you?
Why did I meet you? Why do you care about me? When I can't even hug you? When you can't even see me? You span the globe, from Australia, to Canada, to Glasgow, to Switzerland to the USA, and yet, I can't touch you. You live on my own flippin' island, but I barely know you. We have a common thread, or we wouldn't have met. Music, faith, lifeguarding for goodness sakes! Yet you're not here. I try and I try and I try not to be sad. I try to understand. There must be a plan...but I've waited. I've waited for 4 flippin' years. God, I'm tired of waiting!
They love me, but where are buddies? Where are these years going? Where are the games and the silliness. Where are the blackberries by cell-phone light, or the walks down mountains, through mucky shortcuts? Where are the swims in the lake, and the hugs through tears in the bathroom? Where are the moments when you cry yourself to sleep on your bed, but you know tomorrow you can get up, and there will be someone at your own level who will talk to you. Someone who will hug you.
Where are the late nights talking about silly girlie things, and the pillow fights, and the hair dyes and the shopping excursions? Where are the walks by the beach, and the drawings in the sand? Where are the telepathic looks, and the games we've known from little children? Where are the memories? Why can't I share them?
I have so many ridiculous questions. I find myself dwelling on them in every spare moment. I try not to. I have so many good days. So many good times. And there are so many wonderful people in my life. People to talk to, people to be with, places to go, but no...
Graces, and Jesss, and Teodoras, and Judys and Nadines, and Ionas, and Kathleens, and Yveses, and Isabelles, and Mariahs, Marias, Ericas, Sadies....noJulias, no Marcels, no Tims, no any of you. I could list you on for eons. There are 54 on my facebook...
But none in my backyard. There are 10,000 in my tears... and 10,000 in my heart... but none to hug.
Where are you???