Saturday, November 15, 2008

Lonely


Do you ever have those moments where you just don't understand? Days when you feel so loved, and yet you have no friends? Times when you can make a list as long as your arm of people you long to be with and who want to be with you, and you yet you have no one to be with? When it seems like there is no sense in having friends when you have none?

I feel like that right now. I have so many friends. I make them so easily. I love them so much. I can spend a day talking about people I know, near and far, and yet come home and cry because I...have no friends. I don't know how to describe this irony of relations. Today was a good day. I felt loved. I have an amazing family. I just talked. My Mum and I shared camp experiences. Yet right now, I am left feeling empty. Not spiritually, not at all, but people-wise.

Where are you?

Why did I meet you? Why do you care about me? When I can't even hug you? When you can't even see me? You span the globe, from Australia, to Canada, to Glasgow, to Switzerland to the USA, and yet, I can't touch you. You live on my own flippin' island, but I barely know you. We have a common thread, or we wouldn't have met. Music, faith, lifeguarding for goodness sakes! Yet you're not here. I try and I try and I try not to be sad. I try to understand. There must be a plan...but I've waited. I've waited for 4 flippin' years. God, I'm tired of waiting!

They love me, but where are buddies? Where are these years going? Where are the games and the silliness. Where are the blackberries by cell-phone light, or the walks down mountains, through mucky shortcuts? Where are the swims in the lake, and the hugs through tears in the bathroom? Where are the moments when you cry yourself to sleep on your bed, but you know tomorrow you can get up, and there will be someone at your own level who will talk to you. Someone who will hug you.

Where are the late nights talking about silly girlie things, and the pillow fights, and the hair dyes and the shopping excursions? Where are the walks by the beach, and the drawings in the sand? Where are the telepathic looks, and the games we've known from little children? Where are the memories? Why can't I share them?

I have so many ridiculous questions. I find myself dwelling on them in every spare moment. I try not to. I have so many good days. So many good times. And there are so many wonderful people in my life. People to talk to, people to be with, places to go, but no...

Graces, and Jesss, and Teodoras, and Judys and Nadines, and Ionas, and Kathleens, and Yveses, and Isabelles, and Mariahs, Marias, Ericas, Sadies....noJulias, no Marcels, no Tims, no any of you. I could list you on for eons. There are 54 on my facebook...

But none in my backyard. There are 10,000 in my tears... and 10,000 in my heart... but none to hug.

Where are you???

4 comments:

Idzie said...

OK, I'm trying to think of how to say all I want to say...

I too, even though I'm generally a genuinely happy person, get lonely days. There are days in which I kick myself, think there's something wrong with me because I'm a teen and don't have a real circle of friends. I often find it hard making new friends, since I tend to be extremely shy around people I don't know (even though I'm anything but shy and quiet once I get to know someone!). I've lost serious touch with many internet friends too... It's only last year that I made a genuinely close friend (IRL), and although I'm not really friends with her anymore (long story with many tears), now I have two other friends whom I consider close. And even now, I find myself worrying. Since these friends are also friends with my sister, sometimes I feel like they like her more. And all my friends (close and not) are a bit younger than me (those just happen to be the people I've come in contact with) so I end up thinking I'm strange for that to, and wondering if I'm "young for my age", even though I know I'm not. Sometimes I feel like I don't really have any friends at all. I guess the whole point of this mini ramble (sorry!) was simply to let you know you're not the only one to feel lonely sometimes. To find yourself just imagining what things could be like, and feeling a loss for something that's never been... Some of the things you said really struck me, as I've felt exactly that way as well.

Lots and lots of hugs (I wish I could give you hugs in IRL to!:-()

Idzie

Mariah said...

I feel that way many times too! Many times I just feel like crying because I am going through something and I just want someone to hug, but their never here.
Love you!
(((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))
Maya

Anonymous said...

My daughter, my friend... Dearest Sheila, I love you and sure undertstand all that you are feeling, all that you long for. You know, as I read your post, I thought of my own experience of being 16, and wondering at the time if there was something wrong with me...
I was often lonely, alone, wondering what it would be like to be doing all the things I figured everyone my age was doing: being with friends, laughing, having a ball. But, in reality, I found that most of the people I knew ( and they were all in school situations, including myself), were lonely too. Most of the "relationships" that they had were hollow, surface games that meant nothing when push came to shove; when a REAL friend was needed to really BE THERE they were off being "busy" or whatever. The ones I knew were busy getting drunk or stoned, and they really didn't care in the end. I think that most of us, myself included, from a middle-aged person's perspective, tend to idealize what "every one else" has, in terms of "friendships". Most of us have one or MAYBE two REAL friends, and for me, it took until I was in my 30's to find that friend (you know, Mrs. "B"). I hurt for you, I cry with you, I UNDERSTAND you, but know that you are not alone!! Lonliness is part of the fallen human condition that is fraught with selfishness and callousness.

I know that the day will come when you have the longed for friend up close and personal :-) because I am praying for you and I know my Lord who will answer in the fullness of His time. Hang on, you are LOVED!! by many, which is a blessing beyond compare. Trust!!
With love and hugs that hurt...
Mum

beautifulgraceblog said...

Umm... Sheila. You really shouldn't post things like that that make me all sad because I supposedly don't have friends either... I know a lot of people, but mostly not on a friend level.

Sending you a million air hugs...

-Maria