Psalm 139:16 16Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.
I did not write this with the intent of blogging it. I just feel the need to share:
There are moments, when time seems uninhibited. Where I feel so connected, and yet utterly disconnected from the worries of fate. In those moments, my soul flies away, far beyond the limits of the cosmos, pushing the boundaries, opening my eyes to the unknown. Those times, on the boat, with the wind in my hair, as I can taste the saltwater on my lips, spraying mildly against my cold cheek, when I feel that everything can be right and that in essence, outside of time, it is right.
And yet there are times where my very being is torn apart, ripped from the inside out, jolted from its home, and my sobs do not do them justice. I will find my destiny beyond that feeling, but those moments, where all I can feel is the now, the presence of eternal fear and hopelessness, where the world comes crashing in on me, surrounding me on all sides like the fiercest storm in the midst of the Atlantic.
It is in those times that I feel like a lost island—adrift, almost—amid the towering waves and maniacally laughing sea around me. Every ounce of hurt and trial that my young soul has weathered comes back to haunt me, and the now is integrated with each moment of my life. All the misunderstanding, all the heartache, all the loneliness, all the frustration, and grief, and sadness, every moment lost or wasted, every unanswered question, coating my soul like cream cheese icing, spread thick and clumpy. I feel surrounded; unconsciously surrendered to hopelessness.
And yet I know I can and must rise up. I will soar. I will fly. I will mend. I will heal. Once again, I will feel the breath of heaven beneath my wings and the glint of sunlight upon my face. I will not be lost forever. I am loved. I am cherished. I know love. Each morning I will rise, I will sing, I will make music, and I will not be afraid to laugh and cry. There will be a time when I can take my stand, raise my voice, and change the world. I will have my chance.
But I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to listen.
But I will hear. I will learn. I will find my way. My way has been found for me. My way is not my way. I am me. I am who I am. I can change everything else but that. I will not give up. I will persevere.
I have hope.