Here I am. I have decided to pour out my heart, for once, not with pen on paper, as I so often do, but in real typed words, as quickly as my fingers can put them down from the thoughts in my mind. Those thoughts are many, and I find myself rather at a loss for words, but must, somehow, reach within my mind and pull out those feelings, fears, dreams, hopes, desires, and aspirations. I must, without stopping to defend my position, without feeling I need stop to find the appropriate verse, simply spill forth all that I have inside. There cannot be anything holding me back this time.
It is strange to think of the snowfall, my secret laughter, my silent tears, my pent-up frustrations, my grand excitements, and my great longings, realizing that somehow they all were simply a part of the week I have just been through. Though I find myself musing over my late-night snack of cold roast beef, and the possibility of it combining with my previously-consumed brownies and ice cream to produce a pound or two of beautiful, frightening, estrogen-producing adipose tissue, I realize it is actually only a very shallow layer of earthly self-consciousness that keeps me from delving into the rather unwieldly rushings and happenings of my soul.
On the one hand, I am a soul at rest. As I slipped down the slopes on two very precarious lengths of plastic bound tightly to my feet this past Monday, I could not help but sing over and over:
Jesus, I am resting, resting,
In the joy of what Thou art.
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart
Thou hadst bidst me gaze upon Thee,I couldn't help it. Perhaps those around me thought me mad, but it wasn't even trying to convince myself to rest, I just was resting. Maybe it was my secret, laughing heart that made me so glad. Perhaps it was the snow-dusted trees and the misty mountain-scapes around and before me, speaking so loud of their Creator. It could be partly the new horizons for my life or the leaving of the past behind. Of course, the feeling of the wind in my face and the sliding and whizzing and having such a good time with old and new friends may have added to my joy, but I felt so very restful--and so very cold! Truly, though, while I have been ponderous and in some ways have even felt a tumult in my soul, the prevailing attitude of my heart has been rest: rest in Jesus.
And Thy glory fills my soul,
But by Thy transforming power,
Thou hast made me whole!
Cliche, I know. But so true! I must admit that the rainy weather forecast for the weekend also makes my heart leap, because rain does not mean ice. And I'm lonely for the beauty of a soggy forest by our wild island highway. Oh yes, and the sweet fellowship at church. Could it be, that my joy is in hearing the Word of God and being exhorted in His ways? Could it be, that I have been lonely for the joy of meeting with others who love my Saviour too? How I had forgotten that quiet evenings with a believing friend or two cannot replace the quiet exuberance of a regularly meeting crowd, however small, that comes together to worship the Lord and to hear of His ordinances. The joy is inexplicable.
My mind is in a tizzy. It seems my attention span is sadly short, and I had to stop to look at pictures from a friend of a friend on facebook, someone I don't even know. Some pictures were of a university graduation, and they almost make my heart beat faster. Can I do it? Am I really going? Is this really happening? Am I too late? What should I do? While the questions rage, the happy longing continues; I cannot deny it! I long to finish a race, to break the ribbon, to push forward into new and grand vistas. Honestly! And pictures, on this unknown facebook-er's page, of smiles, and hikes, and pure love, and other mile-high joys.
I know life is not full of unending flowers and pretty things, but isn't it nice to know that God loves those pretty things? Isn't it marvelous to know that He laughs to see the funny scurrying of the squirrels too? Are you not overjoyed that God made romance? Oh yes, I know God is serious, that He pours out righteous wrath upon sin and grieves over lost sheep, but He made...
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...And in this moment I think I shall go to sleep resting there. Resting in His promise of a perfect plan and will. Resting knowing that though dogs will bite and bees will sting, I can still rest. And I can still eat roast beef and chocolates at midnight. :-)
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs...